My Goatee is Not a Goatee?

My beard is itchy.  I need to shave.  But do I just trim?  Do I dare go clean-shaven during this frigid winter?  Do I shave everything but the mustache, like so many of my relatives?  Or do I keep the goatee, like I have for over a decade?

Except my goatee is not a goatee.  No, the goatee is simply the hair on thin chin that resembles the hair on a goat's chin.

Now, my fondness for goats not withstanding, I do prefer the circle beard, which is what most people call the goatee, the beard with the mustache grown to meet with the goatee and soul patch, thus circling the mouth.  I've maintained my circle beard since my early twenties, when a girl I was dating told me the circle beard helped me look like "a sexy baseball player."

Of course, everyone who knows me knows I look like a sexy hockey player, but who am I to quibble while in the throws of passion.  

I once used Wahl beard trimmer with a 1/8" guide, but that just couldn't withstand the sheer might of my facial hair.  Or, maybe it fell off the sink and broken into twenty-three pieces.  I'm not sure.  But now I use these off-brand hair clippers and a #1 guide.

Perhaps it's time for a change.  I don't shave because I'm lazy, but maybe I should change my style.  I could go with the Balbo, which is like the circle beard, only the mustache stays unconnected.  Then, with a more care than I'm used to providing, I could grow the Balbo into a Van Dyke, which is like a Balbo, only the goatee is pointed.

My family has a history with facial hair.  My grandfather has had a mustache since I can remember.  So do two of my four uncles.  For years, my brother had a ... well, I'm not quite sure what it was.  Imagine Billy Gibbons's beard.  Now, imagine it as a goatee.  That's what my brother had.  Until he shaved it for his wedding.

But my Dad has them all beat.  He looks like a Civil War veteran.  His muttonchops stick out so far he can run his hand through them, and he sports a horseshoe mustache bushier than that of the Walrus from Alice in Wonderland.  And he's had those chops and that stache for over thirty years.  I've seen pictures of him clean-shaven, but I wouldn't recognize him today if took a razor to his full face.

Perhaps I should shave it all off.  Just get rid of this gray and ginger beard that adorns my face so apparently sexy-like.

No, not gonna happen.  That's just crazy talk.